Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Laughter Thy Name is Heart

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.


The Joy of Laughter. Especially when you weren't the cause. It just seems funnier when it happens to someone else and there is another person to witness it with you. Such was the case one summer while on a camping trip. 

In my home state of Texas, there are a lot of beautiful places to go camping. None of them more so than along the banks of the Blanco river. I used to do a lot of camping. The real deal camping. Using tents and sleeping bags and taking baths in streams or rivers. I was nuts. But when I was a kid it was fun. I know better now. I camp at the Hilton or on board a cruise ship or have even been known to rent a condo now and then but tent camping went the way of childhood. A distant but fond memory full of laughs but not willing to be revisited anytime soon. 

During this particular camping trip, we had purchased one of those pop-up camp trailers for use as we were all getting a little older and as such happens with age a little wiser as well. 

The thing about Texas is depending on the time of year it can get hot here. And we have our fair share of droughts. This year was exceptional in the fact that it was hot and we were in a drought. Kind of a double whammy for any camping trip, but brave soldiers that we were we tried our best to catch a fish. We were mostly fishing for catfish but any fish would have been better than the none that we were catching. 

We tried our luck all over that river and still nothing. Oh, did I mention my Mother was with us? Yep, my Mom. We took her with us a lot when we went camping. She loved to fish, she loved Tom and she loved to camp. 

It seemed that every one of our camping trips had something funny happen but this one was hilarious. 

We finally found a shady pull out under some huge trees right next to the river. Now keep in mind the river was down because of the drought so there wasn't really any current to speak of, so when you cast your bait out. It just sunk where it landed and you hoped for the best. After about 2 hours of hoping for the best, I decided my best would be back at the trailer in the air conditioning taking a nap. So I asked Mom if she was ready to head back to camp and she said sure let's go. We walked on over to tell Tom we were leaving and see if he was ready to go. 

"No, I think I'll stay here a bit longer. I've got a heart on."  

What can I say? I turned around and raced as far as I could away from my Mom and Tom so that I could scream with laughter. Little did I know my Mom was right behind me. I looked at her, and the two of us just exploded. To this day it was one of the best memories I have of fishing and to this day Tom still has no idea that he said anything other than what he said. But to my Mom and I what we heard was not what he said. I have never been able to fish with chicken livers again and seeing a heart within the bucket makes it all come back. Sometimes you just got to laugh even if it's with your Mom about your husband having a "heart" on. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

                 The Mamogram and the Boob

  I'll bet you're thinking all kinds of things because of this title. Well think again it's not what you think. Yes there was a mammogram and yes there was a boob, actually a couple of them, but not in the way you might think.

   It was time for my annual mammogram so I called and scheduled an appointment. On the day of the mammogram I took a shower and got ready to go. I always take a damp washcloth with me to clean myself a bit before the test since you aren't allowed to wear deodorant on the day of. I also take a book with me and with the advent of e-readers, I had one of those with me.

  It appeared the hospital had gotten some new gowns for us to wear. They were shirts that split up the front and tied at the sides. Very modest and cute. Lots better than the full frontal that we used to have to wear. So I changed into my new "shirt" and went out and sat in the waiting area to be called for my test.

  I was reading away and waiting for my name to be called when the person in the waiting room with me asked me what book I was reading. We got into a long discussion about the book and had a few laughs. This was her first mammogram and she was nervous. She  was also in her 60's. I didn't ask her why this was her first but her physician had sent her because he felt a lump. I wished her well and was called out for my mammogram. I gathered my kindle and purse and headed down the hall with my tech. We passed 2 other techs and another woman who had been tested already and was ready to leave.

   We got into our room and my tech asked me how I liked the new gowns the hospital had provided us to wear. "I really like them, they are so comfortable." She laughed and said she thought I looked pretty comfortable.

  I happened to look down and there it was, my right boob had been hanging out the entire time because I had only tied the one tie. Yep, there was my girl hanging out in all her glory. I looked up at the tech and said "I thought I'd start a fashion trend by letting one hang out. It appears the men all want to show off their butts with their pants down to their ankles why not start a revolution and let a boob hang out?"

  I tried but it never caught on, and Lance wasn't really down with the idea either.

til next time


Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Three Little Pigs


                                      Three Little Pigs

The really wonderful thing about friends is some of the funny stories they tell you. Yes, these are true stories about life on a farm. If you live on a farm you can probably relate to them.  If you're a city dweller like me, well are you in for a laugh. 

Honey and Michael lived on a farm, E I E I O, and on this farm, they had some pigs, one of whom was named Oatmeal. He was a brown and white spotted pig and looked like oatmeal with raisins. (No I'm not going to sing you,Old McDonald, today, their last name isn't McDonald)

It just so happened that Honey's mother was living with them at the time and she made life even better. These are her stories as told to me by Honey. 

When you live on a farm you buy day old bread from the day old store by the truckload and feed it to your pigs. They had been to the store and bought the bread that day. They had a bunch of those 55 gallon, metal garbage cans that they stored the bread in until they were ready to feed it to the pigs. One of the pigs, Oatmeal, decided that he wanted some of the bread before it was ready to be fed to him. He managed to climb up on the steps of the house to get into the cans and pry one of the lids off. 

He ate his way down inside of that trash can until all you could see was his back legs and tail. Honey's mother looked out the window and said, "Look canned ham!" 

That pig was so stuck in that can they had to cut the can off of him to get him out. He had literally eaten half the bread in the can and would have eaten more if he hadn't gotten stuck. 

Another time the family was having company over for  dinner and Honey's son Mitchell came up with this jewel. 

"Mama's making oatmeal for dinner." One of the guests looked puzzled and said, "I thought I smelled Ham cooking." 
Mitchell said, "You do, that's Oatmeal." 
Dinner was a somber affair and no the guests did not eat Oatmeal. 

I can relate to that one. My ex, decided we were going to go into the hog raising business and butcher one and sell the other so he bought 2 piglets and some feed. He dropped them off at a friends farm, who also bought pigs, to raise. He thought it would be a good idea for me to go see the piglets that he had named Bacon and Sausage. I was not amused nor did I want to go see them. He insisted. I went. Needless to say we didn't consume either Bacon or Sausage. I advised him that I did not want to be personally aquainted with my dinner. 

Back to Mitchell. Or out of the mouths of kids. Mitchell was outside with his Grandmother when 2 of the pigs were doing what pigs do when they want to have kids. 
Grandma told him, "Oh look there Mitchell, the pigs are dancing!" 
Mitchell looked at his Grandmother and said, "They aren't dancing, they're making baby pigs." Nothing got through that kid. 

Mitchell decided it would be great fun to bring an Angora goat into the house and into his bed. His mom had told him not to but he snuck the goat in anyway. Well the next day there was goat poop in the bed.
 Honey said, "See, I told you not to bring the goat in the house. Now your bed is full of poop." 
He advised her, "No it isn't, these are M&M's." He then ate one of them. 

Spread a laugh, share this with someone. I just did. 

Have a joy filled day,